By Joan Courtney, C.Ht., Unstuck Living

While a man and his four children were riding on the train, his kids were running rampant. Pushing each other. Shouting. Whining. Pulling the little one’s hair. Stepping on other people. Irritating other passengers. Misbehaving to the extreme. But the man just stared at his hands and paid them no notice.

The conductor came by and told him they were disturbing others. He was thinking, “What’s wrong with this fellow? Doesn’t he see how much havoc the kids are creating?” The man looked up, sighed, and said, “Oh yes. Their mother died an hour ago. I guess they don’t know what to do with themselves, either.” A total shift in perception.

Another story: My mom consistently said, “I never win anything. I’m not good enough.” I would encourage and support. I would cajole her to see the positive. At first, it was annoying. Over the years, I ramped up and took it personally. After all, she was my mom. Many good qualities and skills. Well educated. Community-oriented. A church-going woman. I finally thought to ask why she said that. She quietly replied, “I don’t want to be disappointed.” Immediate change in my understanding.

Those five little words

 The five little words that can change your world? What else could this mean? You can be an observer and not have to wade into the fray. If you step into a neutral space, you can breathe… and the world opens up. Minor dust-ups and misunderstandings can be worked out. Hotly contested arguments can be put aside. Exercise your creative mind and develop other options, knowing the truth lies somewhere in between.

Check out the situation

But how to step back and take a look at what’s going on?

• Be mindful of when your button is pushed.  Someone in your family consistently pushes your button, and you explode before you know it. Before getting together, take some time to gently tease apart the reasons for this immediate reaction. Resolve each issue as it comes up, knowing your experiences resemble an onion. Watch as each layer unfolds.

• It’s a challenge to hear opposing points of view.  A friend has a different opinion from yours. You feel yourself getting steamed up. Do you shut her off? Or listen to what she has to say? Be curious as to your reaction rather than quickly getting stuck.

• “My dog isn’t in this fight.” Hot and bothered about something where you’re not directly impacted? Ask yourself, “Is my dog in this fight?” If yes, listen intently and ask questions to help you understand. If not, let it go and watch from the sidelines. Your body and mind will thank you. (And insomnia will not plague you.)

• Slow down the dialog. Listen to the words you are saying to yourself, and slooow dooown the wooorrrrddddss. Instead of “I’m fed up with my job,” try I’mmmm feeedddd uuuppp wwwwittthh my jjjjoooobbb.” Feel the difference inside. Get unstuck and grow lighter.

• Put your words to music.  The other day I came across a problem of my own. Instead of the nasty downward spiral I was creating, I sang the words describing the issue to the melody “Morning Has Broken.” My fussing disappeared. And I was laughing. How ridiculous. I was unstuck.

Ask yourself, “What else could it mean?” and set yourself free.

Joan Courtney, Unstuck Living, is a clinical hypnotherapist and NLP practitioner. Writing for Outdoors Southwest and other publications on the Mountain, she also ghostwrites posts for Lil’ Toot, the Canine Executive Officer of Unstuck Living.