By Anne Groebner

The other night I was out with some friends, and as I watched them dancing and laughing, I felt a warmth cover me like a blanket, and I thought how fortunate I am to have these friends. I turned, and over my left shoulder I said to one sitting behind me, “This is what we need — friendship.” She smiled and then cried, and I wondered if her reaction stemmed from the same emotions that had been welling up in me. It’s what I call our human-ness. Our need for connection and belonging. It’s the camaraderie that fills the void in our souls after a long, stressful week by some warm-hearted friends talking, laughing, dancing, and just being.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “If you want a friend, you have to be a friend.” Friendship takes work. They say you are very fortunate if you can count your friends on one hand. Good friends are scarce. They need to be cultivated and preserved. I don’t think we value friendship enough when we are young, but we count on them as we grow old. I know I do. My friends are smart and savvy, which is great on the days I need to vent. As Anne Lamont says: “The whole system of our lives works because we are not all nuts on the same day.”

Friendship goes back thousands of years, and the rules really have changed little. “Perfect friendship is the friendship of those who are alike in virtue,” Aristotle wrote. “For these individuals wish well to each other in all circumstances, and thus these friendships are good in themselves.” Indeed, these kinds of relationships demand a lot of effort and are hard to come by — “great friendships can only be felt toward a few people,” wrote Aristotle — but they yield a wonderful sense of satisfaction and contentment. It is a rare blessing to connect with someone on this deeper level. It’s OK to have some (perhaps even most) friendships mainly for utility and pleasure, but it’s important to realize that these fill a different purpose and are likely to have a shorter lifespan than the ultimate friendship — one built upon shared virtue. And it is these latter friendships that are worth protecting and cherishing. They don’t emerge overnight, and they require considerable energy to maintain — as Aristotle wrote, “lack of conversation has broken many a friendship” — but what you get out of these friendships easily outweighs what you put in. (From Brad Stulberg’s podcast)

They say we can’t choose our family, our genetics, or control the things happening in the world around us, but we can choose our friends — and they are more important than we give them credit for. Friends get us through difficult times, and we get to help them through their difficult times. Recent research has proven that friendships can help us live longer and healthier lives. In fact, research highlights that meaningful social connections protect against anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. According to the American Psychological Association, “friendships can be crucial for our well-being and longevity.” Strong ties can even boost immune function and heart health. As noted by Saint Alphonsus Health System, “the companionship of friends can lessen stress.”

I have never been in a clique. Even in high school, I hung out with everyone. Of course, not everyone wanted to be my friend, but I always had an open mind. As I grow older, I view the world as one big playground. There are things I still want to accomplish, and I know my friends will be there and I also know that every day opens the door to new possibilities and new friendships. I treasure my friends. And as Dolly Parton puts it; “I have a strict policy that nobody cries alone in my presence.”

Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar identified the 7 pillars of friendship as shared traits that predict how likely two people are to form and maintain a close bond. 

The Seven Pillars

• Language or dialect: Speaking the same native tongue or local phrasing helps people feel instantly understood.

• Place of origin: Growing up in the same geographical area creates shared cultural reference points.

• Educational and career history: Having similar schooling or jobs gives people common daily experiences to discuss.

• Hobbies and interests: Enjoying the same activities provides easy ways to spend time together.

• Worldview: Sharing matching moral, religious, and political views ensures core values align.

• Sense of humor: Laughing at the same jokes builds fast emotional rapport.

• Musical tastes: Liking the same music acts as a powerful social cue for shared identity. 

Research shows that the strength of a friendship often grows with the number of these pillars shared, though any combination of about three shared pillars can already spark a strong connection.

How can you find and keep friends?

Join a hiking group or a book club. Volunteer, take a crafting class or any other class. Give acquaintances the benefit of the doubt and don’t judge so quickly (remember the 11-3-6 rule). Show up once in a while. Friendships take time and work.